The Magnificent Misadventures of Crank and Delmar
by Dance Elle Dance
Summary: The many instances of Crank and Delmar's epic bromantic adventures lie within. Read at your own risk. Pure Crelmar friendship. AU, crack, and OOC-ness abound.


_**Disclaimer: **__I don't own The Hills Have Eyes._

_**Summary: The many instances of Crank and Delmar's epic bromantic adventures lie within. Read at your own risk. Pure Crelmar friendship. AU, crack, and OOC-ness abound.**_

_So, I am pretty excited for this story. Okay, more than just a bit, but a __**lot**__. I had so much fun writing this first chapter, y'all have no idea. This came from a conversation between myself and __**Berry's Ambitions**__ and it has been on the backburner for a while, and I just really wanted start this now as a kind of…fun project. Since all of my fics are very serious feeling at the moment, I wanted just a fun series to work on. Also, all the yoga moves are fictional, with the exception of the downward facing dog (because who doesn't know that one lol). Anyway, I hope that y'all enjoy!_

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**The Magnificent Misadventures of Crank and Delmar  
001. Crank and Delmar Do Yoga**

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"What the hell is going on here, man?"

Delmar looked at his friend with a smile starting to form on his face. He pulled the car into a free space and put it in park. The large building in front of them was a normal gym, one that the two of them frequented often, but there was just something about the look on his best friend's face that caused Crank to be a bit on edge.

"C'mon," Delmar replied smoothly. "Don't be so uptight. It's just a regular workout."

Crank looked at Delmar skeptically. "Then why did we have to wear spandex?"

"I hear it helps with movement," Delmar lied swiftly.

"Yeah, well it makes me look like a complete jackass."

Delmar rolled his eyes as he unbuckled his seatbelt. Crank did the same and then made his way out of the car. It was hot - hotter than hot, really. The weather seemed to be hating everyone because Crank didn't think he'd ever experienced a climate as hot as the one that had currently been sprung on him. And the spandex didn't help, especially when he was sweating like a whore in church.

He pulled the collar of his under armor away from his neck, though that wasn't the problem. It was the tiny, tiny, _tiny_ pants that were clinging to him in places that they shouldn't cling. Crank growled at Delmar, who flashed him a smile. "It's air conditioned on the inside," he said. "You know this. You'll be fine."

However, as soon as they stepped in the gym, Crank realized that Delmar's words had been false.

"Air condition my balls," he said with venom. The central air had apparently gone out, leaving the whole place with nothing but moving fans.

"You could try to do that," Delmar pointed out wryly, "but they'd probably kick you out."

Crank grit his teeth at his friend as he walked in ahead of him to sign in and flash his gym membership card. The lady at the desk looked at Delmar with an amused grin. "Nice tush, Delmar."

Delmar sheepishly rubbed the back of his head and moved to the side to allow Crank to sign in. The lady at the desk looked at him and said, "Crank."

"Lady," he acknowledged.

She rolled her eyes and looked at Delmar. "Can't you tell him my name is Gwen?"

Delmar shrugged. "Whenever he gets his mind set on something, there's no changing it. He calls you Lady, your name is now Lady."

Gwen pushed the loose strands of blonde hair out of her face and jabbed her thumb to the back room as a knowing smile graced her features. "You two will be working back there today, I presume."

Crank looked taken aback. "Why back there? Delmar…"

"I…uh…reserved the room for us." Delmar was already walking back to the room.

"I am so changing out of this shit after we're done working out," Crank said as they passed the locker room.

"But you said the locker room was unsanitary."

"There are always exceptions."

Delmar laughed and opened the door for Crank, who he shoved in ahead of him before entering the room and locking it behind him. A group of women turned and stared at them, their hair all bound up in the same manner, wearing skin-fitting…_spandex_. They all cocked their head at the new entrants at the same time, and then their faces morphed into a smile.

The woman in charge - one that looked very intimidating, towering over both Crank and Delmar, with toned biceps and golden eyes like a hawk - stepped forward and placed a baseball mitt-sized hand on each of their shoulders.

"Welcome," her voice was a contradiction to her appearance, soft and lulling. Crank felt like he was about to be brainwashed. "Please retrieve a mat from one of the corners. Next session, please provide your own."

Delmar and Crank walked over to the side of the room where the mats were placed. Crank cursed at Delmar. "The hell is this, 'mar? Why do we need mats? Why are we back here? _Why do all these bitches look possessed_?"

Delmar turned and looked at Crank before shoving a mat into his arms. He placed a hand on Crank's shoulder, imitating what the crazy head lady did before. "We're doing yoga today, bud."

Time stopped.

Crank looked at Delmar.

Delmar looked at Crank.

"_What the __**actual fuck**__!"_

All the women in the room turned to look at him, their vacant eyes somehow threatening. Head Bitch In Charge looked at the two of them with her hawk-eyes and Crank thought he felt her trying to suck out his soul.

"This is a place of peace," she bit out. The way she said it was rather ironic. "Treat it as such."

"I'm outta here - "

Delmar grabbed Crank's arm. "C'mon, man. This could be fun."

"_Fun_?" Crank asked incredulously. "_Fun_? Do you see these people? They look like they have no humanity!"

"And I thought it could help you learn to relax a bit…ya know, be more chill."

"_Chill_? Since when am I not fucking _chill_?"

Delmar blinked at him.

HBIC stepped onto her mat and glared at the two of them. "Please. It is three o'clock. Spread out your mats so we can begin."

Crank was still tempted to leave, but he had never quit anything before in his life. Besides, he was sure that if he tried to make a run for the door, Bird Lady would throw him back in. And probably feed him to her young. He shuddered.

"For our new journeyers into the land of peace, welcome. For the returning journeyers, welcome back," Bird Lady said. "My name is Francine. Let us begin."

Crank didn't think he'd ever heard such horrifying words in his life.

"First, let us go into downward facing dog…"

Crank snickered. That snickering turned into outright laughter.

Francine's sharp eyes landed on him. "Maturity is key in this venture, Crank."

Crank turned to look at Delmar, eyes wide with shock. "How did she know - "

Delmar looked unsettled for the first time since entering the gym. "I…have no idea."

Music started playing in the background. It sounded like the rustling of leaves in the trees accompanied by water running over stones in a creek. Crank automatically found issue with it.

"Haven't they heard of _Pantera_?" Crank asked while trying to move into the downward dog. Which was possibly the most uncomfortable thing he's ever done.

"Pantera isn't exactly prime relaxation music," Delmar pointed out.

"Psh." Crank rolled his eyes.

"Hold the pose for ten long, deep breaths, and then we're going into the luxurious leopard."

"The fuck is the luxurious leopard?" Crank protested.

"Lie on your stomach and use your hands to twist the upper part of your body while keeping the lower part stationary," Delmar provided.

"You did _research _on this?"

"Always best to be prepared," Delmar said in a sage-like voice.

Crank held the downward dog - _hee hee_ - for the long, deep breaths required by the Buzzard Broad and then copied Delmar in the luxurious leopard. When it came time to twist the upper part of his body, he was met with several cracks. Curses in Spanish followed.

"You okay?" Delmar asked, looking over to Crank as he lie writhing in agony. "You're not supposed to be that harsh with your body when doing that, Crank."

"Oh…oh…my God…" he managed to say as he rolled around in pain.

"Let's move on to the lying lizard position!"

"Oh, fuck _meee_!" Crank moaned.

"Captivating chameleon!"

"_Shiiiiiit_!"

"Powerful pull of Pluto!"

"Oh, what the _hell_!"

"Do these yoga names seem familiar to you, Crank?" Delmar asked with a crease in his brow.

There were many others after those. Crank copied Delmar's positioning each and every time. And each and every time, Crank injured himself in more ways than one. His pride being a main point of hurt. Once they got to the lecherous Linda position, he felt like gouging his eyes out with the nearest sharp instrument.

Hours seemed to go by. Hours and hours of nonsensical names and even more nonsensical body positions.

"Kill me," Crank begged Delmar. "Please. No one should have to undergo this torture. I think someone _farted_ in front of me while doing the juxtaposing Jupiter."

Before Delmar could reply, Francine clapped her large hands together and said, "Rise, my lovely children of relaxation. Rise and feel the stress drip away from your body. Feel it slither away like the flesh from your bones…"

Crank rose, all right. "What the fuck is she talking about? This bitch is insane."

Delmar looked a bit freaked out as well, his eyes wide in his face. "Uh…yeah…"

"Thank you so much for coming today." Francine went over and turned off the CD player. "I look forward to your next visit."

The girls all replied in drone-like unison, "Yes, Miss Francine. We look forward to our next visit."

Then they all rolled up their mats as one and filed out the door, single file.

Crank and Delmar were about to get the hell out of there, throwing their mats into the corner as if they were a sack of potatoes when Delmar realized something. "Oh, no."

"What?"

Delmar pointed to the large set of glass windows that composed one side of the yoga room. It exposed them to the entire gym. Men and women alike, all running on treadmills or lifting weights or some other kind of body building activity, had turned to stare at them in interest.

"Damn it! Who let up the blinds!"

Francine cackled menacingly as they left the room. _Of course_ it would be her.

"I believe I would quite like it if you called me," she said, handing Delmar a piece of paper as he passed. "See you later, my new projects!"

Delmar threw the number in the trash as soon as they were out of sight.

Crank was signing out of the gym with a shaky hand. His entire body hurt. He felt like he got his ass kicked by Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster at the same time. He groaned as he turned and gave the pen to Delmar, who signed out himself - all the while chatting up Gwen.

Crank wiped the back of his hand across his forehead. After that, he was not going into that nasty locker room to change, no matter how much the spandex was sticking to him. There was only so much torture a body could take in one day, after all.

Snickering met his ears.

Crank turned around and came face-to-face with Napoleon, a longtime friend and constant annoyance. "The fuck are you laughing at, pencil neck?"

"Saw you two doing yoga," he teased. "Nice tush, Crank."

Crank kneed him in the balls.

Leaving Napoleon gasping on the floor clutching his crotch was a definite upside to the day, but as Crank and Delmar walked to the car, Crank said, "I am never doing yoga again."

"Yeah." Delmar shuddered, remembering Francine. "Me either."

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_**End 001.**_


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